


A Kindness Too Soon

by imaweirdkid



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 2x18, M/M, Not A Fix-It, character study of sorts?, i really wanted to write a fix-it but it didn't happen, instead have Magnus' internal monologue, introspective, man i dived straight into the break up feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:11:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaweirdkid/pseuds/imaweirdkid
Summary: Magnus has a decision to make. To join the Seelie Queen and protect his people. Or not. And then there's Alexander...An introspective character study in thoughts.Takes place(?) during and is a reaction to 2x18 "Awake, Arise, or Be Fallen Forever."





	A Kindness Too Soon

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd because I have feels and I'm a little shit. Also, I have no patience...

The problem with attachments was that if you didn’t pay enough attention to them, they could really fuck you over. They could hold onto you and not let you go even when they should have really had no influence on your decision-making whatsoever. Centuries had passed and yet the lesson learned so painfully over and over again had never quite made it to Magnus’ heart. He had taken the leap again. Had jumped into it with abandon. Had let himself be hurt. Again and again.

The problem was, Magnus thought, that he was unable to be anything but utterly loyal to the people who held his heart, and his loyalty had very practical repercussions. He would protect them above all. He would be truthful to them. Their best interest would influence his every move. And therein lay the problem, really. How many interests can one living thing serve. How many interests can one living serve when these interests are not their own.

He had always hoped others would do the same for him. And they rarely did. Living as Magnus did with this intense loyalty was a rather impractical way of living. As a matter of fact, it often necessitated weighing all aspects of a situation. If you had friends on all sides, all sides had to be considered. Maybe that was why Magnus Bane was a fantastic diplomat – if he had reason to be. Reasons like his family of misfits or his—

Alexander. His Alexander. For whom he would have gone to the ends of the earth. But at what cost? The truth was – and what a funny little thing the truth was – Alexander’s lie – to call it that for lack of better word – had not revealed the dangers of love to Magnus. It had only reminded him. To gain one love means to lose another. As much as he had tried, his priorities had shifted. And he had almost betrayed the ones he loved, the ones who needed his protection. Because he was committed to Alexander. Because he wanted to be on the same side as his love.

There could not be both. The Clave and the Downworlders would always be in some way at war with each other. The differences were too deeply rooted; there was no trust between them. How this lesson had gotten lost he had no idea. There simply was no common ground between the two.

But for a little while, there had been Magnus and Alexander.

Swimming against the tide. Holding onto each other. Stupidly idealistic. Making Magnus forget all the lessons he had learned. All the lessons that had cost him so much. Just forgotten.

And now here he was. With nothing but a rose in his hand and a decision to make. His loyalty had cornered him into the ultimate stalemate. A mere few months ago, to cut ties with the Clave – to choose the safety of the Downworlders - would have been an easy choice to make. There had been no ties to the Clave. But now it was agony. And it was his own fault. He had given all the ease up for Alexander. Worst of all, he wasn’t sure he would do it differently given the chance. Even now, he longed for Alexander. His Alexander. Who was so terribly practical. Fiercely loyal to the ones he loved just like Magnus. But when Magnus had needed him to show it, when he had needed him to choose Magnus, he hadn’t.

And Magnus might have. That’s what scared him now. Magnus might have chosen his loyalty to Alexander over the practicalities of protecting the Downworlders. Never outright, never in a direct scenario of choosing one over the other. But through small adjustments. Never to choose the Clave over the Downworlders, but undoubtedly to strengthen the bond with them – even if it meant taking a longer route, or a less safe one – to protecting the Downworlders. Just so he could keep both.

He could never keep both. He must never be allowed to have both. There was too much responsibility for him to bear. This much was clear. It would have to be one or the other.

**Author's Note:**

> Always happy to hear comments, obviously, but I mainly write for myself and people who enjoy reading these, so if you're here to tell me I don't understand the characters, the show, the books, etc, please go read someone else's story. Cheers.


End file.
